I'm feeling overwhelmed by sadness.
I'm mourning the end of my first year of JVC. I'm mourning Tricia's move out of 130 Bryant St. I'm mourning the too fast passing of time. I'm mourning change. I'm mourning being left behind by Kristina, Kierstin, Lucas, and Jordan in DC at the end of July.
My greatest struggle is remaining present to the present. I always seem to get caught up in what could be rather than what is. And then before I know it the future is happening and I didn't spend enough time focusing on the present.
How many hours, minutes, seconds, did I waste thinking about and planning for what comes next (and let's be honest, I was just going to make that decision at the last minute anyway) when I should have been absorbing everything that is going on RIGHT NOW?
So now, it's been 1 year and 1 month since I graduated from college, 1 year since I was teaching swimming lessons, 11 months since I moved to the east coast, and everything is a big blur (and not just because I recently found out I have astigmatism).
The last year has been a wonderful blur of activity, experience, love, tears, joy, struggles, challenges, and friendship.
Even though it's all a little blurry, I know it was wonderful, because if it hadn't been, I wouldn't feel so sad that it's coming to an end right now.
I have to say I feel the same mourning in anticipation of "losing" my first year community in July. I hate that I cannot live in the present completely, but I also have to admit that the anticipation that I feel helps me commit to the paradigm: Carpe Diem (Seize the Day).
ReplyDeleteSince I have been more aware of the end of the year I feel I have been better at forgiving community members, spending more time with community members, seeing things and doing things in Maine, and enjoying my remaining time as a first year JV. I really am treasuring the experience more because I am more intentional now.
I do have to say even though this feeling of mourning has turned into something positive for me now, I am afraid I will be even more upset later. But for now I am in a weird state of being very happy that I still have time with my community, but aware of how fast it is dwindling.